So here I am back at the hospice after I dragged myself through three sessions of radiotherapy to my neck (you may say ‘only’ three but when you tot up how much stuff I’ve had done to me over the last four years – yep it’s four years since my original diagnosis, maybe you can understand why every hour, every minute spent in a hospital is torture now). Anyway we went away to a posh spa last weekend, it wasn’t particularly relaxing and I barely slept. By the time I got home, I felt pretty awful and by Monday night was back here. Which is good, it’s a great place to be when you need to be.
I always thought I had this cancer thing nailed, right up until very recently. I knew and still do know what is going to happen to me, and I still am ‘ok’ with that. What I didn’t foresee is how difficult I would find it letting go of life. In the back of my head, I’m still planning festivals, still thinking about work, not thinking ‘when I get better I’m going to…’ because I know I’m not getting better. I have to remind myself, on virtually a daily basis, that I am riddled with cancer and it is physically painful and exhausting much of the time. Yes, today is ok but tomorrow or the next day or the next day might not be. And yet I cannot seem to get over this ridiculous guilt I have whereby I think I should be DOING something. Planning something. What I should be doing is taking to my bed and resting, really making the most of this time with family and friends, not torturing myself over the life I once had. I know how stupid this sounds and believe me it’s really hard to live knowing that others would have given anything to have had the time I’m having and besides it will be over too soon anyway. But I can’t help feeling utter frustration at the fact it often feels like we are all sitting around watching each other, wondering what we should be doing. We “shouldn’t” be doing anything except it’s not human nature to sit around and not do anything. Not in my world anyway.
Anyway I guess no-one has a handbook for any of this stuff and I’m certainly not wishing my life away – God no – just maybe wondering what it is I could and should be doing now. I don’t work without a plan!