Today I am angry. Really angry. So far I’ve been trying so hard to stay positive and come to some sort of acceptance with my lot in life, and largely it’s worked. But today I don’t want to be positive. I want to kick and scream and stomp around because I am PISSED OFF and this is all complete bollocks. I’m a good person, I don’t deserve any of this shit. No-one does obviously. I don’t want much – not to die at a horribly premature age and to be able to have a family of my own one day is all I want. But oh no, apparently that’s too much to ask for, silly me. Stupid, naive, cancer-ridden me. Today I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I’ll never be a mommy. Never have the one thing we’re all surely here to have at a most basic level. I know all the reasons, and I know they’re right but it doesn’t make it any easier. My ovaries have already taken a beating from the first round of chemo last year, now they’re taking another slow pummelling from this current lot. So even if I could get pregnant, I couldn’t carry it cos I can’t be off these stupid bloody drugs long enough. And if anything happened to me or the baby while I was pregnant, well it doesn’t bear thinking about. I know all this, I understand it all but it doesn’t make it one bit easier to stomach. Oh and then there’s the fact my wonky gene that caused all this madness in the first place means that, assuming I even make it to 40, my poor ovaries will have to go anyway as I’m also high risk for ovarian cancer later in life. Brilliant, fucking brilliant. Thanks Mother Nature.
My heart is broken. It was a bit smashed anyway, now it’s been stomped all over and chucked in the gutter in the rain. But just like I’ve had to do every day since this nightmare started, all I can do is try. Try try try and put a smile on my face. Am tired of trying though and I’m dying a little bit inside. I want to be normal, now I’m even more defective than ever. Sorry, it’s the honesty thing again, I can’t help it – I need to tell it like it is. Better out than in, tomorrow will be brighter, it always is. I’m getting quite skilled at this ‘taking one day at a time’ business. I promised I would never feel sorry for myself but today I do a bit, and that’s annoying as well. I don’t want to feel sad, I want to be happy.
Next post will be happier, promise. It’s this rain as well. Roll on spring.