tiltingheads

Cancer and other stuff

Today I hurt. This week has been truly horrible. I had good news on one scan, which I’m obviously hugely relieved about. Just the biggie on the lungs to go now, Tuesday is D Day. I don’t normally blog this regularly and please forgive me if this is maybe all becoming a bit boring but just today, I feel like I am on the verge of losing it a bit. Not just about scans and practical medical stuff, but about everything. This whole situation. Trying to get my head around how the hell this all happened and what I am meant to do. Or think. Or feel. Have you ever been so horrifically overwhelmed that you can hardly think or rationalise or make a decision about anything? Today is a bit like that. I’m emotionally burnt out. And it’s really scary to feel so lost and baffled and out of control. Like your mind is not really your own and neither is your life any more. Emotions are dangerous, they can send you into such a huge tailspin that it’s like you’re just being driven by them and no amount of ‘right, think logically’ will help. I’m a practical, well-educated, largely sensible young woman. I’ve dealt with crises in the past, as we all have, but this? I have no idea how to tame this surge of utter despair. And I’m gutted as I thought I was doing OK. I’m scared of being scared. I’m scared what fear might be doing to me physically and psychologically and today I’m not winning this battle. I know it’s temporary, I’ve been here before and have bounced back and I know I will again. It’s just not been a fun week and it’s got me in a headlock. It’s really, really boring to have this madness in my life and for it to be the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thought in my head before I fall asleep. I will have lots of good days ahead, I know that. I’ve just got to try and get this raging head thing under control, which has never really been my strongest point. I hope I’m not coming across as some whining, complaining ‘victim’ as that’s not what I feel like day-to-day. I guess today I just need to get it off my chest to make room for the courage I know I need to find more of. It’ll get better, promise.

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