tiltingheads

Cancer and other stuff

Archive for the month “April, 2011”

Fighting back

Had a good think this weekend at my mum’s in Wales and after some deep soul-searching, my conclusion is this: cancer is not pissing on my chips any more. It stops now and I am going to summon every bit of strength down to my little toes to fight this bitch and tell it to do one. I have too many lovely things, and one VERY lovely thing, to give up now. I don’t doubt there will be days when I’m really not up for a scuffle but when I have to, I will. Somehow I definitely will. Get behind me people…

Déjà vu

Right that’s the last time I go on holiday before a scan. Holidays = bad scans and that’s unbelievably, guttingly, annoyingly, exhaustingly what’s happened again today. Turns out these wonder drugs ain’t so wonderful. For me anyway. They haven’t worked and there has been some (minor) growth. So now it’s back to more traditional chemo with the nausea, tiredness, endless white blood cell counts, all the stuff I hated the very first time round (NO HAIR LOSS THIS TIME THOUGH, thank the Lord). 6 weeks of that then another scan so it’s never-flipping-ending.

Not even sure how I feel this time, not shocked and hysterical like last time, more sad and disappointed which is possibly worse. I know I’m going to have to dig really deep now and I’m so very tired. But anyway it could have been worse and there is still one very lovely part of my life which, completely bizarrely, appears to be going from strength to strength so that’s nice.

That’s it for now. More soon. I’m ok though (just!).

Countdown

I’m off to Marrakech on Thursday for my lovely friend Katie’s wedding to the very dashing Tom and it’s going to be great. Four days in the sun with a load of friends celebrating something as lovely as love. Lush. But, (and there’s always a but, isn’t there?) the week I get back, the madness starts again – scan on Tuesday, results Thursday. And these are big results (again. Seriously there is no let-up). Last time I went away I came back to a bad set of scan results that threw everything up in the air so I’m finding it weird psychologically to break that pattern of thinking … holiday + scan = a tendency to not be very good. I think I just also feel like these drugs could be my best shot and if they’re not working then I’m a bit stumped as to what’s next and whether I can cope with more bad news. But anyway, I’m getting better at living in the day and a week is a long time away. And there is Marrakech first!

There is a reason why things feel a little bit better this time and that’s because there is something a little different going on contextually. Ugh, totally feels weird talking about this so publicly and I’m guaranteed to jinx it now but let’s just say someone has maybe come into my life who wasn’t there previously. And even if it’s only for today, or tomorrow, or next week, it’s totally worth it for it just being good today. In fact, I’ve remembered what it’s like to feel something, even a tiny bit, that I thought would probably never happen again. I won’t go into detail as that’s not very ladylike and even I like a bit of privacy but today I’m happy and that’s enough for now. It could well all balls up in the future but that’s OK because for a while I was happy. No pressure on him now obviously 😉

Anyway, wish me luck with scans. I shall report back duly next week…

Navigating

You know that universal, unwritten rule that when one area of your life is going well, there’s always another that’s a bit stormy? That’s kind of where I am at the moment. Medical side – great, feeling well and very happy with my team and new drugs (start next round Monday, scan on 19th, results on 21st – crossed fingers please). Basically I’m discovering how hideously, desperate complex this situation is in other ways. I’ve been lucky enough to really see the best in people, how they’ve rallied around and just ‘get it’. But there have also, fairly unexpectedly, been some curveballs that make me think actually, this thing is tricky in so many ways. I’m mainly talking about relationships, old and new.

I’ve always, always said from the start that I know this is hard for everyone and I see that more every day, in a particular relationship with someone very close to me. Communication is so important to me, it’s my job after all, but sometimes, no matter what you say, how hard you try, two people just can’t understand each other and it’s really sad that neither of us can say the right thing. Horrible. Is it possible you can try and come to some truce, or is it stalemate? We’re working on it though, anything worth having takes effort and I’m sticking at it, just.

Recently, I have also been developing one or two new friendships, which in themselves are enlightening at best, and terrifying at worst. How do you tell someone about this, knowing that that’s all they’ll ever know you as? We don’t have the benefit of years of shared memories and closeness and they will never know the person I was just two short years ago. To be friends or anything else with someone, I guess you have to offer them a part of you, of who you are, so they can make an informed decision and when your view of who you are is completely up in the air and you have no idea most days (but are definitely getting there), what then? In the last 6 months, there have been a couple of occasions where a new friendship hasn’t quite got off the ground and it’s painfully clear that me being ill has had something to do with it. And that, after 31 years, is very weird. And can be quite upsetting, even though I totally, totally understand why. But I suppose the flipside is that the relationships I do have now, old and new, will be the right ones (and there have indeed been some beautiful new friendships formed in the past 2 years – to those people, mainly Lisafromthegym, I love you!). There’s too much at stake for the wrong ones, my head and heart are too precious now and long may that continue.

Post Navigation