You know that universal, unwritten rule that when one area of your life is going well, there’s always another that’s a bit stormy? That’s kind of where I am at the moment. Medical side – great, feeling well and very happy with my team and new drugs (start next round Monday, scan on 19th, results on 21st – crossed fingers please). Basically I’m discovering how hideously, desperate complex this situation is in other ways. I’ve been lucky enough to really see the best in people, how they’ve rallied around and just ‘get it’. But there have also, fairly unexpectedly, been some curveballs that make me think actually, this thing is tricky in so many ways. I’m mainly talking about relationships, old and new.
I’ve always, always said from the start that I know this is hard for everyone and I see that more every day, in a particular relationship with someone very close to me. Communication is so important to me, it’s my job after all, but sometimes, no matter what you say, how hard you try, two people just can’t understand each other and it’s really sad that neither of us can say the right thing. Horrible. Is it possible you can try and come to some truce, or is it stalemate? We’re working on it though, anything worth having takes effort and I’m sticking at it, just.
Recently, I have also been developing one or two new friendships, which in themselves are enlightening at best, and terrifying at worst. How do you tell someone about this, knowing that that’s all they’ll ever know you as? We don’t have the benefit of years of shared memories and closeness and they will never know the person I was just two short years ago. To be friends or anything else with someone, I guess you have to offer them a part of you, of who you are, so they can make an informed decision and when your view of who you are is completely up in the air and you have no idea most days (but are definitely getting there), what then? In the last 6 months, there have been a couple of occasions where a new friendship hasn’t quite got off the ground and it’s painfully clear that me being ill has had something to do with it. And that, after 31 years, is very weird. And can be quite upsetting, even though I totally, totally understand why. But I suppose the flipside is that the relationships I do have now, old and new, will be the right ones (and there have indeed been some beautiful new friendships formed in the past 2 years – to those people, mainly Lisafromthegym, I love you!). There’s too much at stake for the wrong ones, my head and heart are too precious now and long may that continue.