On Saturday night/Sunday morning, Team Lansons (Beth, Katie, Anna, Sarah and last minute super-sub Lisa) did the Moonwalk in aid of breast cancer research and awareness – 26 long miles through the streets of London by night. They looked cold, exhausted, emotional and a bit delirious by the end but they did it, and I am soooo proud of them (although that picture is simultaneously the most brilliant yet terrifying thing I have ever seen). Having spent months training for it, I can’t say I was particularly looking forward to doing it, it’s a hell of a trek. With no sleep! But I was looking forward to the sense of achievement at the end and the feeling that I’d kind of got one over on this whole cancer shizzle, even just once. So I was pretty gutted to not be able to make it, having had my second dose of chemo in one week the day before. Instead I was at home in my pyjamas feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. Or being sick. Or both! Seriously I couldn’t have trotted for a bus, let alone walked for 8 hours solid.
This chemo has been hard, REALLY hard and it’s shocked me how bad I’ve felt. Not just physically, but in every possible way. I have had literally nothing in my tank, no sparkle, no chat and certainly no positivity. Just a very bleak sense of ‘fuck, I can’t go on like this, I can’t face any more drugs if they’re going to make me feel like this’ and there was a point where, for a while, I thought about coming off treatment completely and taking my chances. Yes it was that bad. I’m really not used to feeling physically unwell so it sort of clobbered me a bit. The psychological side I can just about cope with on a daily basis, but when you feel dreadful, and tired, and you can’t stop crying, and you realise that a) there is no guarantee this stuff is even going to work and b) the best possible result I am hoping for is stability, not cure, and there’s potentially no end in sight … let’s just say it’s difficult to stay focused.
What’s happened though is that TEAM CANCER has kicked into action, without me even realising it. I didn’t even know I had a Team Cancer (Team Lansons, Team Woodstock yes) but apparently there are loads of them signed up ready to mobilise when I need them to, even when I haven’t asked for it. Whether that’s wonderful Meg, dropping by with healthy supplies, changing the bedsheets and washing up while I wander round my flat looking like the living dead, mad hair all over the place. Or Mrs T and Mrs W providing much-needed pep talks over the phone from the West Country and Oxfordshire. Or my lovely boyfriend with the strong chest to fall apart on and the home-cooked food I get treated to daily. And Jeena and Jemma for bringing more home-cooked food into work. And Tabitha for investing time and love into a beautiful hand-made quilt for me to cosy into when I need it. And Lyndsay for blagging me tickets to Jools Holland tomorrow to make me smile (I KNOW! So excited!). And Lisafromthegym and Phil for staying up late to make the t-shirts for the moonwalkers. And all the moonwalkers themselves and the volunteers from Lansons who got off their arse and did something to fight the good fight when I was busy having a big old fist fight of my own. Especially to Lisa for stepping up to the plate at the last minute to be my Moonwalk replacement. That was a huge gesture and I love you to bits for it.
I am totally humbled and amazed by how brilliant some people can be. I’m not very good at asking for help but the best people help you anyway cos they can see you really need it. Anyway I think I’m over the worst now, just foggy and tired and a bit shuffly but I hope to be back on form in a few days. Then it starts again in 2 weeks, but that’s OK, 2 weeks is a long way away. And hey, at least this means it’s doing something, hopefully pop-popping on the bad stuff.
Team Cancer, you rock (and I’m always looking for new members, especially those who can bake good cakes). Thank you xx