Endorphins (and other drugs)
Tomorrow I start new chemo and it’s come round all too quickly. A bit quicker than I would have liked – it’s been a blissful hospital-free couple of weeks – but I suppose the sooner we get started, the sooner these little buggers can be nuked. I’m a bit nervous: chemo is not pleasant although I hear these new drugs are quite well-tolerated so fingers crossed it won’t be too hideous. Alison (amazing oncologist) seems pretty relaxed and it turns out she’s already got one eye on where we go next if these drugs don’t work (which they WILL!) so I don’t have to. So I can get on with the business of living. I’ll have another scan in mid-June and until then, it’s head down and crack on. I’ll update more on that when there’s news.
Obviously those close to me, and anyone on Facebook or Twitter, which is essentially everyone I know, will be aware that I’m now, completely surreally, in a relationship. And it’s GORGEOUS. I’m still amazed and delighted (and completely terrified if I’m honest) about the fact I’ve discovered it’s possible to love and be loved, and not be wholly consumed by the fact I am apparently not very well and let it dominate my whole life. For the first time in 2 years, having cancer is not the first thing I think of when I wake up. I feel stronger, taller, fitter, more alive than ever. I can laugh and forget about everything and bask in
the joy of it. I’m under no illusions that if this relationship continues in its current form then it could, at some stage, get difficult but for now it’s not and someone has chosen to love me for who I am. And it’s wicked. To conclude, I’m very very happy but like everything, I’ve worked hard to get it. I’ve had to fight for it when every part of me tells me to run away as it’s not worth the heartache if it goes wrong. But it’s worth it, no matter how long it lasts. So, boyfriend, if you’re reading this, thank you. For giving me, and us, a chance. And I promise to try and make you as happy as you’ve made me. Happy birthday x