Cancer and other stuff

And again

So, it’s almost that time again. Am getting used to the idea now that I never really get the chance to get used to anything before it all potentially changes again and I have to deal with a whole new set of new challenges, largely involving a change in treatment. Having been on this chemo since early May, and pretty much hating it yet resenting the delays I’ve had with it, I’ve now got technically one more blast on Thursday then the scan to see whether it’s worked will be here before you know it. And then what? The agony of having to sit in a waiting room every 6 weeks to discover whether the treatment has worked or that it’s actually got worse, well it’s pretty grim put it that way. It never gets any easier.

At times like this, it helps to try and be logical and look at the facts. In September, it’ll be a year since I was diagnosed with secondaries. A year! I still can’t quite believe it. On the one hand, I’m in a great place considering. The first thing I’m sure a lot of people in my position ask is ‘how long?’ It’s definitely what I asked and I was told that, worst case scenario, it could just be 2 years. Hearing that at 30 is MENTAL. BUT, here I am, 9 months on and feeling no different. Looking no different? So there is a part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe, I might be defying the odds? However, it also might be the case that my time is now starting to run out and if my treatment options keep failing as they have, then maybe that initial time estimate might turn out to be true after all and this next sitting around in the waiting room might end with the devastating news that it’s spread somewhere else. I just don’t know what I am supposed to think. What would you think? I reckon I’m still pretty much on the optimistic side but you just don’t know do you? This isn’t me being dramatic, I wish it was. Every scan I have could well be the one that goes really bad, it’s not been going so well so far has it? And when these scans come around every 6 weeks, you might be able to imagine how little time I ever get to relax and try and get on with a normal life. It’s a wonder I’m still sane although if you talk to the boy wonder I’m sure he’d vouch that’s questionable at times, God bless him.

Still a little way away yet though so not panicking just yet. More worried about the forecast for Glastonbury at this rate.


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