tiltingheads

Cancer and other stuff

Sad

Today I was sad. It started in the hospital waiting room. There I was, minding my own business, cotton wool strapped all down my arm where they’d taken blood and waiting to see Alison – to find out whether the reduced chemo dose last week is still playing havoc with my blood and it turns out it is so it’s back next week for another blood test to see what the score is and whether this will affect chemo on 1st September (quite likely if it doesn’t pick up) – when I overheard a conversation between two women, one of whom had just heard that amazing line: “everything looks positive, we don’t need to see you again for 6 months”. And I suddenly thought, fuck, I am never going to hear those words again. And I actually cried in the waiting room. Bizarre. You’d think I’d be used to it all now, the constant hospital appts and waiting around, having to take time off work when I’ve got responsibilities in my job, but I’m not and I doubt I ever will be. My life is SO different to how I ever remembered it or wanted it to be and it still feels unreal now. I wish someone would say they didn’t need to see me for 6 months, I wish I had savoured every moment of my life when I was well. I would have done things very differently if so.

But, let’s not get gloomy. Am aware the last few blog posts may have made for heavy reading so things to be positive about: well, clearly there has been one big thing distracting me and that’s been him moving in. Suffice it to say it’s brilliant and terrifying at the same time but I’m going with it. There are boxes everywhere, I don’t know how we’re going to fit both our stuff in or when we’re going to find time to sort it all but it’s not a bad problem to have. It certainly beats the other one anyway 🙂

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