A bit mental
That’s what I am today – a bit mental. The good thing is I know why: every now and again, I’ll have one of these episodes where I’m all over the place and only just holding it together and instead of it being ‘Christ, what’s brought this on?’, it’s now becoming a bit of a regular pattern and I recognise it’s all linked to my next scan being just round the corner. And at least I can identify that now so that’s good.
I had a blood test today and tomorrow it’s off to see The Boss for the results and to see whether chemo goes ahead on Thursday. And if it does, my scan will be on 17th which is less than 2 weeks away. Less than 2 weeks. Every scan is important obviously, I’ve been doing this shizzle long enough to know that. But for me, this one is vital, paradoxically because the last one was so good. My weird illogical, irrational side is saying it’s bound to go the other way, you’ve had a year of being well, SURELY your luck is going to start running out any day now. And remember the chemo tabs I was on last year had a stunning result at first then out of nowhere they stopped working completely so you can never rest on your laurels. One good scan is good, better than a bad one obviously, but one good scan does not maketh the happy ending I so desperately want and if I am brutally realistic, know probably won’t happen. What does ‘bad’ actually mean though? Haven’t figured that out yet. If it’s good, then perhaps I can breathe a little easier for a while at least (‘scuse the pun). I’ve had a few niggly little aches and pains that I can’t seem to pass off as just that, aches and pains – instead I’ve almost convinced myself that ohgodohgodohgod it’s in my bones. Which I don’t do, I’ve never done! Today I had an x-ray on my hip, after getting a mysterious ache which I’m 90 pc sure is linked to a completely unrelated back issue I’ve had for yonks and yonks but, well, to quote what seems to be a very popular phrase at the moment, “you just don’t know, do you?”
A good friend who also has secondaries described our predicament perfectly recently when she said that having secondary breast cancer is like someone walking round 2 steps behind you with a gun to your head every day for the rest of your life – you never know when that trigger is going to be pulled, could be months or years but there’s a pretty good chance it’ll go off at some point. I’m just not ready yet.
Anyway, as I’ve spent the last year coaching myself – there’s no point worrying about something before it’s even happened so perhaps it’s best to get all this mentalness (I know that’s not technically a word but I like it) out of the way now so I can get my shit together for chemo and my scan. Yes, good plan. No doubt there will be news soon but in the meantime, please please say a prayer for me as I could really do with them at the moment.