tiltingheads

Cancer and other stuff

How do you feel today?

Had a few texts and emails over the weekend and this morning, asking how I feel and the blunt truth is worse than I’ve ever felt in my life. I read somewhere about the ‘tax truck’ and I’ve definitely, definitely been run over in the night. It’s the only explanation. Coinciding with my back, which feels like it has very hot knives in it, is pain in every tiny last nook and cranny of my body. I can’t walk, I can’t even get up, I’ve lost my appetite, I feel dizzy. I’ve come off the steroids with a very big bang which has left me in quite a dark place. I don’t want to do this, any of it. I’m angry – and I don’t normally do anger, I can’t stop crying and all I can think is what IS the point of all this, I’ve made a huge mistake. If I’m going to have to do this every 3 weeks for the foreseeable then quite frankly, it’s just not worth it. In another couple of weeks, my hair will be gone and I’ll be the poor cancer patient all over again and I can’t bear it. Screw being brave, I’m not brave, I never was I just got on with it because I had to. I’m trying to think “in a few days, it’ll all pass” but at the moment, it’s tough when everyone around you is getting on with things and you can’t even sit up.

There are things I need, team cancer, so listen up – firstly, can someone send round a lorryload of the strongest painkillers you can find. Buckets of them. Cheers. I also need someone to come round and cut my hair before it starts going. And a good mobile manicurist please. I also need every girl and woman in the country to keep an eye on their boobs. Can’t believe I’m
in this world of trouble over a lump no bigger than a grape.

In a couple of days the fog will undoubtedly lift – poor Andy – but today, I’m not even going to pretend to be resilient. It’s my blog, I’ll moan if I want to.

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