Yesterday I had semi-permanent eye make-up done – eyeliner and brows. It’s VERY odd, and it hurts a bit. Today I look a bit like I’ve got hay fever and my brows are almost frighteningly dark, but apparently it fades within a week. So now the transformation is complete. Compared to the bald, podgy quivering mess I was in 2009, it’s quite clear to me that anything is better than that. Including scary brows and massive hair if that’s the way it has to be in order for me to be able to carry on in some kind of ‘normality.’ I looked like a cancer patient in 2009, I don’t now but then I was going to get better so it was a bit different.
It’s good to be able to move on from the obvious physical trauma that cancer treatment brings because all too soon you get a dose of reality when it’s time for that scan. The appointment that was supposed to be on 26th was brought forward to today, so I’ll get the results next Wednesday which feels quite soon. Despite December being a bit weird and sad, Christmas with the boy wonder’s family was lovely, I then went home and had some time with my parents and some of my oldest school friends, and since new year’s eve, he and I have had such a nice couple of weeks wrapped up in each other. Apart from chucking a couple of chemo sessions into the mix, the last few weeks have been largely manageable and actually really quite nice. That all might change next week. I always call it wrong so I’m not going to try this time. Of course I’m scared but I’m going to try and take a leaf out of other people’s book and remember that the scan only tells me one thing. I know how I feel and I know I feel fine most of the time. It’s only chemo that makes me sick. So whatever the results, I’m going to really try and not freak out over them, if that’s possible. You can guarantee now I’ve just said that, I’ll get a bad result and COMPLETELY lose it but I hope that, if the news is not good next week, I can re-read this and be reminded. I can’t control the outcome of what that machine saw today – smaller or bigger – but I can try and have some control over my reaction to it. Remind me of this!