I’m a bit down today. From being high as a kite last week about treatment being delayed, to a bit pancake-like today. How annoying is that?
It’s for times like this that this blog is useful. Mainly I started it as a way of just keeping people informed – things move pretty fast in my world – but it’s when I can’t rationalise or figure out or verbally communicate how I feel, that writing helps. Hugely.
I think what’s happening today is just a very tired and sad realisation that, actually, just because I’m not currently dealing with the physical treatment concerning cancer, I’m still having a massive scrap with it mentally and emotionally at times. You could say that being off treatment is worse – at least I’m kept busy then and have to focus on blood tests, veins, not being sick. When you have time off, it’s just you and the shadow of cancer hanging over you and the sad truth is you’re never really free of it. Even if I was cured tomorrow it would still dominate my life, probably forever. I can see why ‘survivorship’ is so hard. Instead of relishing these treatment-free weeks, I’m kind of on countdown already. My scan has been booked for 10th March, results 14th (with an MRI on my ‘good’ boob this Friday thrown in for good measure). I could be back in “that place” again in a matter of weeks and I really don’t want to be. It’s not so much the scans – I’m even more of the opinion that as long as I feel well, that’s the main thing. It’s the emotional damage it does to you, having to sit in a room and be told ‘no, that hasn’t worked either’ over and over again. It’s hard to remain bright and positive and optimistic when you catch yourself wondering what it will be like to die, whether it will be long and drawn out and painful and lonely. It makes me sick even typing those words, living with it can be torture and I’d hazard a guess that anyone with cancer hasn’t thought like that at one stage too. I know I’ll be fine, I know it’s just a blip coupled with post-hol blues but just for today, I’m a bit low.