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Cancer and other stuff

Sabai Sabai

We arrived home last night and I’m pleased to say it was every bit as amazing as we hoped it would be. We had one day and night in Bangkok, including a meal at one of the most fantastic restaurants in the world, Sirocco. On the 64th floor of a massive posh hotel, open air, jazz band playing – the whole shebang. I can’t even think about what we spent without feeling a bit queasy but it was worth every penny (Godmothers, thank you – think double). Then it was an internal flight to the north-west coast, and a ferry out to Koh Phayam. Having had plans to move onto Koh Chang, we were having such a lovely time we stayed. No cars, no roads, just narrow concrete tracks and mopeds. All we’ve done for 2 weeks is buzz around the island going ‘meep meep.’ We’ve wandered round, barefoot and sandy, with the most difficult question every day being “where shall we eat tonight, babe?” I don’t think either of us realised how much we needed 2 solid weeks on our own, in the sun. It was pretty perfect. Except on the first day, there I am on this gorgeous beach whilst Goldenballs goes off looking for somewhere to snorkel, sobbing my heart out. I think I was so overwhelmed to actually be there when, at one stage, it seemed like it would never happen after being rearranged twice. Plus the lead-up had been totally rushed so it was just a bit of an emotional release to have a little cry. At the time, it was like, ‘I don’t bloody believe I’m on holiday feeling so miserable. Lovely.’ But after a day or so, I was totally zenned and loving having my lovely boy all to myself. Someone asked us whether we were on honeymoon at one point which I think says it all about how much of a lovely time we were having together (Andy’s face was a picture, obviously – poor thing). We also spent 3 days on a 12 man boat, on a diving/snorkelling trip. Oh, and we saw two baby reef sharks in the shallow waters whilst walking along the beach off Koh Surin national park and followed them for about 100m. Neither of us thought about work, or hospitals or anything else for 16 blessed out days. So it was obviously a total joy to come home last night.

I didn’t think I’d get post-hol blues and I know they’re common but man, I have them bad today. By 11am this morning I was weeping in the living room, having just heard I didn’t have the right match for the trial. It’s not really a surprise but still, not exactly what I needed to hear in my first 12 hours at home. I’ll find out on Wednesday what happens next. It’s a right pain in the arse how quickly you come down to earth after a holiday hey, and it’s worse for us. Having had the last 2 weeks feeling like a normal person and that anything is possible, the thought of having to hand my life back to the doctors is heartbreaking. I wish we had that level of freedom all the time, it makes it so much harder to go back to hospital now. But I AM grateful we finally, finally got our time in the sun. Undoubtedly we will fade back to translucent blue within a week but for now, our freckles are a reminder of our bike, Burmese salad, prawns the size of your fist, the sound of the sea from our hut at night, dinner on the beach, going out smelling like deet instead of perfume, actually seeing all the stars rather than just smog when you look up. All those things, all the things we wanted. Just crap having to come back to our situation.

Sabai means relax in Thai (I think) and the woman we went to for massages had a habit of saying ‘sabai sabai’, but in a sing song voice so that it sounds a bit like Cilla’s ‘Surprise Surprise’. Sweet.

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