Another blog? That was quick
OK people, I’m going to keep this as brief and as factual as I can for the moment – again the blog comes into its own when having to keep people informed when there are big developments. Hopefully you are sitting down? Good.
Yesterday I got my scan results which revealed that the cancer has spread far and wide, fast. It’s now moved to my spine, ribs, adrenal gland (no, me neither) and liver and probably more places. The fact they are not telling exactly how much (just ‘a lot’) or where exactly (just ‘in a lot of places’) speaks volumes – it’s unspoken that it’s not good and I have been told my time is now limited. I don’t know what timescales we’re talking although I suspect, based on how bad I’ve been feeling for quite some time and how quickly it’s come on, that I will be lucky if I get another couple of months, at best. I’ll be starting on a drug which protects your bones from the cancer, helps them stay strong so the risks of fractures and breaks is lessened. Thankfully this can be given at the hospice in Hampstead where I’ve been going for a long time, and where I feel safest. I don’t think there is much point in being in the hospital any more and I don’t really want to sit in ‘the chair’ surrounded by people who are having chemo which is aimed at making them better when I have no such hope any more.
Clearly we are both stunned. And yes, devastated. BUT I always knew this day would come and I’ve been lucky to have been as well as I have during all this time. As in my previous post, I did so much for so long and that was great. And in a way, I’m almost relieved. I have been feeling so bad for quite a while and I kept trying to explain it away as something else and hang on to the thought it was just a blip and I’d start to feel better, very soon. At least now I know I wasn’t actually being a baby about the pain, or imagining it. There was something very wrong the whole time.
There’s a lot to do and think about now but I just want to assure everyone I’m as ok as I can be. I’ve had plenty of time to prepare and I’m so, so grateful that I had the opportunity to do a lot of ‘sorting’ well in advance of this day and there is nothing I have to rush out and do because it’s already done and was done a long time ago. Now I just get to enjoy the time I have left with my family and friends. And we get to laugh and remember all the amazing times we had, and start saying our goodbyes, making sure nothing is left unsaid. I’m glad for that, so glad. Few people get that chance and the people I leave behind can hopefully draw some comfort in the fact they always knew how I felt about them and that I died a happy woman because of the man who captured my heart from our very first date.
I know this is probably hideous news for a lot of you reading this but the last thing I need is sadness all around me, there’s time enough for that when I’m gone. In the meantime I intend to buy outrageously expensive new boots, cuddle the kittens till they can’t breathe, laugh laugh laugh as hard as I can and bury my face in my husband’s armpit at any given opportunity (he’s so tall and I can’t lift my head at the moment as my neck is mega sore. And actually it’s the very core of him I want to breathe in, every second of every day I have left).
I am not afraid of dying. Not any more. Me and death will be just fine because everybody dies, it’s what happens. I haven’t gone yet, I’m still here. With a sense of humour and a personality and a very clear sense of who I am which I never had pre-cancer. And that’s a gift in itself.